Overwhelmed!

I've been wanting to take time out of my day to write another post, and I was finally able to do that. Just wiped away a few tears because my step dad has to be an asshole to me whenever he gets the chance. According to him, working 26 hours a week and taking 16 credits at school is nothing and that all I do is sit around all day, doing nothing productive. Now, I know that isn't true, but he doesn't understand how hard it is to maintain an A average (which I haven't been able to do lately) and have a job. Anyways, let's move on.

Back in October, I went to see my primary care physician for a check up because I hadn't gone in for a few years. It's really hard for me to describe in words the kind of pain that my body has every day. I can't even explain it to the doctors, and they make me feel like I'm just trying to make it up to get pills or something. After my blood work came back, she scheduled an appointment for me to come in to go over the results. It showed that my cholesterol is high (runs in my mom's side of the family) and that I had high levels of rheumatoid factor. Rheumatoid factor is an autoantibody that is usually present in the serum of people with rheumatoid arthritis. Rheumatoid arthritis is a chronic progressive disease causing inflammation in the joints. From what I've read, rheumatoid arthritis cannot be diagnosed by a test. My doctor told me that she would send a referral to the rheumatologist in Spokane and that they would review the information and call me to schedule an appointment. These types of places you have to have a doctor's referral because they prescribe a lot of pain medications, etc. I had to wait until January to see this specialist. Fast forward to January. I go in to see the doctor and he's asking me questions and what not. He says that he doesn't think that I have rheumatoid arthritis, but he wanted to do more extensive blood work to see why my rheumatoid factor was high. Now I'm waiting to see him again in March. At my appointment, he suggested that I see a foot/ankle specialist, a physical therapist, a naturalist, and to get tested for sleep apnea to help me in various ways. I made an appointment with the foot/ankle specialist to see about getting orthotics made for my feet because my ankles make weird grinding noises and they hurt every day. My first appointment, they took x-rays, gave me a couple air casts, and prescribed me some steroid medication to see if they would work. I didn't feel any change by my next appointment. At my second appointment, he looked at my x-rays and said that the bone structure looks fine, so he started to examine my feet/ankles. He said that he had never heard grinding on the inside of the ankle, so he said that I would need to get an MRI done to see what kind of damage there is. That was about a week ago and I still haven't heard from them to make an appointment to go over the results of the MRI. I should be hearing from them soon. I'm also hoping to see a naturalist soon to make a personal plan so I can lose all of this weight that I've gained in the past six years in the healthiest way possible. I really don't like going to see doctors all the time. I just want to know what's going on with my body!

Last week as I was driving to my doctor's appointment (because of a mild chemical burn on my face from a face scrub), my car wouldn't shift into overdrive on the freeway. Every time I tried, it would just kick back. I was getting paid the next day, so I decided to change out all of the fluids in my car to see if that would help. When I dropped the pan, the fluid in the pan was completely black. As I was cleaning the magnets, I noticed pieces of a bearing were stuck to all of them. After I put new fluid in, I test drove it and it seemed to be shifting into first, second and third just fine. When I test drove it a second time when it was completely warmed up, it wouldn't shift out of third. I paid the car off that morning. I went into Potlatch to see about getting a new loan to get a car because I need one ASAP. Even though my credit score is 702 and my credit history is great, they wouldn't approve it because I just started a new job and I have a balance on my credit card. My parents refuse to co-sign for a loan, so I've been driving my mom's car around. Her car is really nice, so I don't mind, but I don't like having to borrow my parent's things like that. That's part of the reason why my step dad was yelling at me this morning because I didn't have time yesterday to call around to transmission shops to see what the cost would be to order a transmission for my particular car. He was also saying that he doesn't want to have to explain to his own kids that they can't borrow their cars, but I can. Both of his kids have destroyed every car that they've owned because they drive them like maniacs. My mom trusts me to drive her car, she doesn't trust them. Even my step dad doesn't trust them with his things because they can't take care of anything. So, instead of calling around to the shops in town, I'm writing this blog.


The last few days I have been overwhelmed with this deep sadness. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I want it to go away. I get in these moods quite often, and it sucks big time. It causes me to become an insecure, annoying mess. No matter who I talk to, I feel like I'm saying the wrong thing and then over-analyze what I say and their responses. Even if it wasn't something bad, I apologize and freak myself out because I feel lame or stupid. I try to keep my distance from socializing with people because I tend to piss them off or annoy them (or at least that's how I feel). I had been talking to this guy for the past few months, and I started to kind of like him. He lives in Portland, so I'm not able to confirm those feelings. I mainly just like talking to him. I can spill my guts to him, cry and complain about anything and everything, and laugh until it hurts. Last night he sent me a text message saying how much he wishes I could live down there because he wouldn't hesitate for a second to be with me. Well, the past few days he has been hanging out with a 17 year old girl (gross). All day I would have to read his and her posts on Facebook about how happy they are and how much they like each other, blah blah blah. Up until this morning, I was jealous because he would tell me privately how much he cares about me, but then would go off and post about this little girl publicly. It really hurt my feelings that he would do something like that, but I guess I expected it. As of five minutes ago, I deleted him from my Facebook and texted him that I didn't want to talk to him again. With all of the stress and depression that I live through every day, I can't handle someone who is back and forth with me emotionally. I take that kind of action way too personally, and it will eat me away if I let it go on.

My horoscope for today:
"Today's hectic schedule might not give you time for idle daydreaming. You're likely to be drawn into an intense emotional drama, even if you wish that you could have more unstructured time for contemplation. Being with others may feel like a real challenge now, but you can learn a lot by processing your feelings through constructive dialogue with a close friend or trusted associate."

I think about what it would be like to have a real, mature relationship sometimes. When I was 16, I decided to not date guys again, and I don't think that high school relationships are real. So according to myself, I've never had a real boyfriend. I'm so busy with work and school that having a boyfriend would be an extra distraction that I don't really need. On the other hand, it would be nice to have someone to spend my free time with. Still undecided about what I want, so I'm trying to make sure to not lead any guys on to thinking I want one or the other.

One of my favorite songs at the moment.

So for now, I spend my days in my room doing homework or playing games, and I spend most of my nights at work (where I have too much free time to think). Maybe soon I will be able to have the opportunity to do something exciting and exhilarating.